Two days in Oslo is an experience of the near future, if you’re an optimist. Everybody has a cell phone, debit/credit card use is ubiquitous, children are polite, the streets are clean, bikes rule, people are fat-free but not the food in the supermarkets… It’s a blond utopian society, where the positive-sum game of social interaction is played with a remarkable expertise that is handed down from one generation to the next. My Norwegian friend Mette mentioned a murder rate of 40 per year for 5 million odd people–compare that to New York’s 900+ murders a year spread over 10 million or so.

The honor guard at the Royal Palace certainly embodies this New Norwegian Way. At the changing of the guard, the officer on duty does not sheathe his sword or gesture with his rifle; instead, with deft, robot-like movements he hands his cell phone ceremoniously to his replacement, and marches off.

What is the secret that has turned Norwegians into the model world citizen after a well-publicized bad-boy phase around the turn of the first millenium? A homogeneous society? Centuries of plenty? A focus on rugged self-reliance and a consideration for nature? Perhaps it was the yolk of a rather stern brand of Christianity, the lasting legacy of which is mainly felt in the price of a drink around here. Add the genetic luck of the Norwegians to these prices and any Oslo bar could be a New York watering hole for the beautiful people.

[Mon 06:53] uppington (email) Sorry, was that a misspelling of a “bland utopian society”? FYI, the only thing that’s made norway what it is is oil, british oil, on top of thriving timber and fish (british fish) industries. The regularity of and lack of dynamism in society comes from there being only 5 million norwegians: I’m reading a book about biogeography and animal extinction that says under a critical mass of population, you get a progressive lack of variety and inbreeding. The population begins to decline by itself. Not all norwegians are odd, by the way, but maybe the inbreeding accounts for your comment, which if i was norwegian i might object to. Smaller populations make simpler societies, easier to regulate, tax (which may be more relevant for the prices of drinks than yolks) and otherwise boss around. I think this is more the secret behind the way scandinavians are, than any particular innate quality you seek to find and crystallise. At base, Stefan, you just want to shag Norwegian girls.

I, on the other hand, would welcome things like more litter, grafitti, and maybe even a higher murder rate, as evidence of a more vibrant, richer in cultural options, freer sort of place. While you are still stuck in a statist mentality that worships homogeneity and order, despite the image of yourself that you carefully try to construct on this site as some sort of free-thinker.

Strangers to Stefan, believe none of this! He’s a Belgian socialist who once speed-read a book on post-modernism! He doesn’t even know the difference in English between “yolk” as in yellow bit of an egg, and “yoke”, as in what you put around your neck if you pull a cart! And who likes to use grand-sounding phrases, signifying generally derivative thoughts (like “oh those wonderful scandinavians! Wouldn’t it be nice to be just like them”, first voiced in the 1970s and 80s, but definitely old hat by now).

[Mon 09:47] joachim (email) Now this is an interesting debate. Two witless morons trying to sound intelligent and applying theories they have read about but do not understand to Norway. There is not much to understand about Norway. It’s a seal clubbing and whale killing place that has got rich depleting the oceans of fish and pumping up all the oil it can. So much for your “consideration of nature”, Stefan. But I still don’t understand your definitions of a utopia, Stefan. Is having a cell phone and paying with credit cards a prerequisite for entering heaven? And why are you so enchanted by the idea of a blond utopian society? It sounds like you’ve been reading too much Vlaams Blok ethno-porn. If Norway took on at least some part of the responsibility to house all the refugees coming to Europe, you would certainly see more than just blonds there. Plus you would get some decent food there, instead of old stale fish and potatoes every day. But John is probably right, you are blinded by your desire to shag Norwegian girls.

Now, as for you John and your attempts to spew out your radical ultra liberal garbage in every discussion (John is the only person I have met who finds Margaret Thatcher sexy, for those of you who don’t know him). You simply can not face it that a country that does not kick people out on the streets and shows some compassion and humanity to its citizens can still do well.

As for their good looks, they can thank their eastern neighbour for forcefully introducing some healthy fresh blood into their inbreed gene pool once in a while.

[Tue 04:06] uppington (email) You sad swedish loser bleeding-heart compassion and humanity bereft scum-sucking pus-bag. I reject your categorisation of me as an anarcho-liberal-syndicalist (also, my understanding of such terms far surpasses yours). The implication that I am as rabid and unreasoning as Stefanie here is something I resent. Believe it or not, I am a New Labour voter. So there.

Your major problem is that your Swedish social experiment, which descended into 1984-like horror with forced sterilisation of disabled people and the denunciation of parents by their children, is thoroughly discredited; but as one of its products, you still can’t let go, can you? You have to continually characterise the only successful societies in the West as lacking compassion and humanity in your whiny, self-satisfied, Swedish chef accents. The only foreign policy your extremely silly country has is sticking it’s nose everywhere where it doesn’t belong, jabbering on about humanity and compassion but not being prepared to do anything about it like fight anyone, ooh, because we’re neutral. But look, Mr. Milosevic, Mr. Hussein, Mr. Hitler, we’ve gathered a lot of signatures and held some well-attended meetings and can’t you just be friends with everyone? By the way, would you like some weapons and iron ore?

Go back to you little swedish holiday shed/stuga in a mosquito-infested damp wood, sit on your chemical toilet, and recognise that Ericsson mobile phones suck, the world isn’t listening to you, and that maybe you all could do with a few more Western concepts of looking to each individual rather than attempting to control society as a whole. And finally, drop this embarrassing neutrality, and come out with us Anglo-Saxons one of these days and shoot someone! You know you want to. . .

[Tue 08:36] joachim (email) Dear John, where does all this pent-up aggression come from? Could it be the fact that you come from an overcrowded, polluted, ugly little rock in the Atlantic? Where women are fat and ugly, food is horrible and the sun shines once a year if you’re lucky. Where people haven’t realised that their beloved empire is long gone and flushed down the toilet together with the slave trade and all the other inhumane practises it was built upon. Where xenophobia rules and the role you’re left with is being America’s lackey, running their errands wherever it is needed. Where the citizens regularly feel the need to riot and smash their own cities to pieces to get some kind of excitement into their petty lives. I fully understand that this is enough to fuel your frustration, dear John, but aim it at your own miserable, filth reeking backyard where it belongs instead of lashing out at everybody and everything foreign.

pung pung, j‚ttebl‚ckfisk

[Tue 08:38] joachim (email) Dear John, where does all this pent-up aggression come from? Could it be the fact that you come from an overcrowded, polluted, ugly little rock in the Atlantic? Where women are fat and ugly, food is horrible and the sun shines once a year if you’re lucky. Where people haven’t realised that their beloved empire is long gone and flushed down the toilet together with the slave trade and all the other inhumane practises it was built upon. Where xenophobia rules and the role you’re left with is being America’s lackey, running their errands wherever it is needed. Where the citizens regularly feel the need to riot and smash their own cities to pieces to get some kind of excitement into their petty lives. I fully understand that this is enough to fuel your frustration, dear John, but aim it at your own miserable, filth reeking backyard where it belongs instead of lashing out at everybody and everything foreign.

pung pung, j‚ttebl‚ckfisk

[Tue 09:37] uppington (email) Very sad, very out of control. Now we see the true nature of the swede, and the arrogance which lies at the heart of his supposed altruism. Britons are not xenophobic by nature, but we do believe in leaving people alone to do their own thing, unless they ask us for help (thus the British Empire, which by the way we were happy to let go peacefully), or they try and invade our friends (thus WW2, which Sweden spent torn between fear of the Germans, and the desire to sell them iron ore). We do not wander around the place giving earnest lectures to people on how we shhould all be like the swedes, peaceful, consensus-seeking and boring. At least we’re aligned!!

Anyway, we’re supposed to be being rude to Stefan, not each other. Let’s confine future exchanges where I tell you what a schmuck you are to a private forum. I think you’d prefer that, anyway.

[Tue 10:07] joachim (email) We all know that deep down inside you are a wannabe Swede, so I will drop this now. I can’t help but feel a bit sorry for you though. But let’s pool our resources and attack Stefan and his contradicting naëve quasi-intellectual “post modern” mish-mash of ideas.

[Wed 11:13] Matthew (email) i, too, find margaret thatcher sexy.