Getting engaged is not a casual event. It marks a new phase in one’s life, borne of a readiness to forgo life’s easy pleasures for the sake of the more subtle rewards one can only get in extremely long-term relationships. It is an occasion laden with symbolism, when promises are made that have implications for the rest of one’s life–such as never having sex with anyone else ever again. Belmeloro salutes engaged people everywhere, be they pastry chefs in Lima or telecoms analysts in Frankfurt, because being engaged truly is an engaging spectacle.
Swept away by emotion, Belmeloro feels compelled to quote from that wedding standard by Khalil Gibran: “The oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” Think about it. One would have to bend the laws of physics for two trees to be in each other’s shadow. Let alone grow.
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 12:28] Felix (www) (email) To borrow a favourite phrase of Matthew’s, Stefan, you really are a spazza. “The oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow” is just a more elegant way of saying “The oak tree grows not in the cypress’s shadow; nor does the cypress in the oak’s.” Although even I have to admit that considering a man and wife to be an oak tree and a cypress (or maybe a cypress and an oak tree: who knows?) is of relatively limited utility when it comes to garnering profound insights into the institution of marriage.
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 12:36] il vero Belmeloro (email) Belmeloro is extremely vexed at seeing such rambling impostures sully his reputation for pointed wit. Belmeloro could never write that, as his adoring fans across the world would testify. Just the subject matter of engagement alone, contextless, random, demands some connection to real people and real events. Are we to understand that someone of this “Belmeloro’s” acquaintance is engaged? Hmm. So what? Who? When? Why should we care? Belmeloro would never leave his beloved public without this essential knowledge. Maybe there is some meaning for the uninitiated in the references to “pastry chefs in Lima or telecoms analysts in Frankfurt”. But Belmeloro would never LEAVE the uninitiated uninitiated. Belmeloro is to be read and appreciated by everyone. What merit does “being engaged is an engaging spectacle” have as a sentence, other than a clumsily obvious double-entendre, pleasing perhaps only to the non-native speaker? No, it’s the prose equivalent of doggerel, a child’s empty, nonsensensical, rhyming babble.
It’s clear this fake Belmeloro doesn’t like the concept much. However, the real Belmeloro is rather in favour of getting engaged, and encourages his readership to try it.
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 12:42] Pastry Chef (email) I hate Khalil as much as the next person who’s been to more than three weddings lately. But I’m also always happy to correct an uppity Belmeloro. First, (and assuming that it has to be sunlight that generates the shadow), it doesn’t say that they have to be in each other’s shadow at the same time. Imagine the oak and the cyprus both growing next to each other on the equator. At sunrise (at least at the equinox), one will be in shadow, at sunset, the other will be in shadow. Second, if they are near any source of non-sunlight illumination, the two trees could be in each other’s shadow, even at the same time. Come to that, it’s probably rare that any two consenting trees within a few yards of each other are not, at some point, within each other’s shadow. Rather than being trite, Gibran is just wrong. Just like Belmeloro.
Oh, and congratulations to the telecoms analyst. F
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 12:54] Pastry Chef (email) And PS “implications for the rest of one’s life –such as never having sex with anyone else ever again.” A contradiction and an untruth right there together. Necrophilia. Need I say more.
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 13:36] Felix (www) (email) Everybody’s favourite pastry chef seems to think that “it’s probably rare that any two consenting trees within a few yards of each other are not, at some point, within each other’s shadow.” I find this to be incredible on its face. For we can assume that the probability of the two trees being at exactly the same latitude is, to all intents and purposes, zero. But if tree A is located to the north of tree B, then tree B will never be in tree A’s shadow if they’re in the northern hemisphere, and tree A will never be in tree B’s shadow if they’re in the southern hemisphere.
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 15:17] Pastry Chef (email) Note that rarity of non shadow-sharing comment was made after reference to non-sunlight sources of shadow. Streetlights, headlights, flashlights, christmas decorations, moonbeams, comets, meteors…
If I can paraphrase Mr. Gibran “Your togetherness shall have many forms, as the layered shadows of starlight between a tree and its neighbor.”
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 16:52] Felix (www) (email) Ah well now, if we’re considering the shadows of starlight, then I shall grant you your case. But then again, if we’re considering the shadows of starlight, then I think this whole topic is far too much for pragmatists such as myself, and I defer on principle to pastry chefs and other higher beings (telecoms analysts in Frankfurt, of course, included). Maybe, when I’m engaged, I, too, will be in a position to consider the shadows of starlight.
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 17:31] il vero Belmeloro (email) You should add better security to this site. Anyone could write in calling themselves the ‘real’ Belmeloro, the target of the original Belemeoro editorial, or Belmeloro himself. And then pin it on some completely different person by putting that email in the next line. Shocking.
[Mon, Dec 10 2001 – 21:12] Eurof Uppington (email) For the record, I want to deny vehemently that I am the Lima pastry chef who seems to be the target of the blatant rumour-mongering that has befallen this site.
[Tue, Dec 11 2001 – 05:07] Stefan (email) Hi, i can’t actually do anything about the security, because i have tuned my apple-spack computer to such a fine pitch that i can’t actually switch it on.
I am writing this from a PC in the internet cafe down the road. At least it works.
[Tue, Dec 11 2001 – 05:12] Stefan (email) Also, I would like to announce to the world that I am, as you all suspected, gay.
[Tue, Dec 11 2001 – 09:02] il vero Belmeloro (email) So am I
[Tue, Dec 11 2001 – 09:04] Stefan Geens (www) (email) Yes, I guess the secret is out. Eurof and I are engaged. We are planning to try the long distance thing for a while, he in Frankfurt as an telecoms analyst, me as a pastry chef in Lima.
[Tue, Dec 11 2001 – 09:04] Eurof Uppington (www) (email) And me. Which just goes to show.
[Tue, Dec 11 2001 – 09:04] Eurof Uppington (www) (email) And me. Which just goes to show.
[Tue, Dec 11 2001 – 09:05] Eurof Uppington (www) (email) Twice
[Tue, Dec 11 2001 – 10:03] Matthew (email) It’s actually “spakka,” not “spazza.” (see comment one)
[Wed, Dec 12 2001 – 11:29] John Paul (www) (email) The frequent buggery references on this blog disturb us. However, though neither Eurof nor the Greek are Catholic, they have my most heartfelt blessing — so long as they agree not to subject any future offspring to a childhood in Frankfurt. Amen.
[Thu, Dec 13 2001 – 05:41] il vero Belmeloro (email) “spakker” is an alternative spelling, one i prefer AS THE REAL BELMEL-FUCKING-LORO!!!!
also, note please there are in fact no explicit references to buggery on this site, simply to homosexuality. if the above was really a pope, he would most likely have known from personal experience that buggery is not necessarily THE homosexual act, but blow jobs, hand jobs, and something to do with buttocks are all ways in which homosexual males get their rocks off. also, many popes have no doubt enjoyed HETEROsexual buggery, and on that basis, probably wouldn’t associate it exclusively with being gay.
On that basis I think the last poster IS A FRAUD, and not the Pope after all, but rather someone of my acquaintance with a lack of sexual experience. This would prima facie lead me to consider Stefan as prime suspect, but as the posting made sense gramatically and wasn’t full of pointless linguistic conceits it may equally not be him.