In Swedish, a little means a lot. If you say, “I have a little pain” (Jag är lite ont) you are in fact saying you have a lot of pain. Apparently, Swedes are a very modest people, and if you truly have a little pain, then its not worth mentioning, so there is no way of expressing it.

Osten means “the cheese”. So next time you write an email to Östen, don’t forget the dots. Pity that email addresses don’t support dots.

A lot of Swedish words are very similar to English, especially if you say them aloud. To prove this, I have written a little story in Swedish that everybody should understand:

Telefoner ringer.

–“Inspektör Poot här.”

En extra elegant blond kallar in:

–“Hjälp! Hjälp! Jag (I) bakar en kaka, men (but) den choklada såsen kryper av.”

Det är hård, men jag är hungrig:

–“Fryser kakan; jag kommer.”

Jag går till blond; hon är naket. Jag löser min bälte, och jag äter kakan.

–“Kakan är god, jag är glad.”

–“Vill du har sex?”

–“Sex kakar? Ja!”

–“Jag är vild och rå men du är slö och dum och hopplös. Gå hem, idiot!”

Jag går hem.

Translation in the comments section.

Oh, and Björn Borg means “bear fortress.” And they have candy bars here called Plopp and Japp. I wonder why those have never conquered the world market.

[Wed, Oct 09 2002 – 09:30] Stefan (email) The telephone rings.

“Inspector Poot here.”

A very elegant blond calls out:

“Help! Help! I bake a cake but the chocolate sauce is creeping off.”

This is hard, but I am hungry.

“Freeze the cake, I’m coming.”

I go to the blond. She is naked. I loosen my belt and I eat the cake.

“The cake is tasty, I’m glad.”

“Do you want six?”

“Six cakes? Yes!”

“I am wild and raw but you are slow-witted and dum and hopeless. Go home, idiot!”

I go home.

[Wed, Oct 09 2002 – 11:11] Mathew (www) (email) Jag ‚r vild i r¨ men du ‚r sl‡ och dum och hoppl‡s

have you heard this a lot since your brief stay in stockholm?

[Wed, Oct 09 2002 – 13:45] joachim i don’t know whether i should be flattered that my foreign friends are taking such a keen interest in my language or if i should be horrified at the things they do with it. besides being more or less incomprehensible (even i had to read the translation to get it stefan), where on earth (or rather in stockholm) do you pick up a vocabulary like that? sounds like you’ve spent the last week in a gay porno club being rubbed with chocolate cake all over your body. but maybe that’s what to expect from a belgian moving to the red light district of stockholm. its like leaving a kid unattended in a candy store. can someone call daddy geens and have him save his son before its too late?

[Wed, Oct 09 2002 – 14:27] Stefan (email) Unfortuntely I am still stuck in the present tense. Next week, I’ll refer to the past and future.

But I am dismayed you don’t understand my Swedish. I read it in a book. It must be true that Swedes are loath to correct foreigners. Couldn’t you just explain which bits of the story are grammatically iffy?

[Wed, Oct 09 2002 – 14:43] Stefan (email) In fact, I just read it again and there is not a single naughty word in there, except maybe for “naked” and “idiot”, and most certainly no homo-erotic imagery to be found at all. It’s all in the mind, is what I say.

[Wed, Oct 09 2002 – 16:01] Charles Kenny (www) (email) Why do you think Japps have never conquered the world market, Stefan? What about consumer electronics? And just to reassure you, Joachim, This one of your friends doesn’t give a damn about the Swedish language, and thinks the sooner the world speaks middle-atlantic English, the better for all concerned.

[Thu, Oct 10 2002 – 01:36] Felix (www) (email) Well, if Stefan’s Swedish is half as incomprehensible as his English, no one in Sweden is ever going to understand him.

[Thu, Oct 10 2002 – 02:12] dolph lundgren (email) stefan, du jaevla svettpung, du aer en sjura fita i en lite fuktig puedel, och joachim vill knullar dej, med mycket mycket lite coeken.

[Thu, Oct 10 2002 – 07:05] joachim stefan, i wouldn’t even know where to begin correcting your story. i don’t think there is a single correct word in it. and you dolph are a truly truly sick person. do you want me to translate that and send it to your wife?

[Thu, Oct 10 2002 – 10:56] agnetha (email) stefan, vill du kommar i naesan? jag vill runkar dej, och dra orlon. jag har ocksao en strutts, till har tidelagets!!

[Thu, Oct 10 2002 – 11:19] Ben (email) Stefan:

How is it possible that you have lived in New York (a den of iniquity) for so many years, and in all of that time you filled your website with wholesome (if often wrong-headed) domestic and international political and social analysis. Now you move to Stockholm, an archepelago of social democratic virtue, and you start writing suggestive and (per Joachim) grammatically horrendous little stories. Explain.

-Ben

[Thu, Oct 10 2002 – 15:10] Stefan (email) Oh my God, Ben has committed a spelling mistake. And I don’t think it’s a typo.

[Thu, Oct 10 2002 – 17:21] Matthew (www) (email) not unless you’re an archetect making snarchey comments about archeology

[Thu, Oct 10 2002 – 21:10] ben (email) Jag ‚r sl‡ och dum och hoppl‡s.