Last weekend kicked off with a Morrissey concert. I freely admit I have never been a big fan off his. Until embarrassingly recently I thought the name was Van Morrissey, nor was I sure whether he was a band or a person. I did know Morrissey was responsible for “Girlfriend in a Coma” and other such memorably articulated misery, to which depressed 15-year old vegans mouth the lyrics while clawing at their wrists in a closet. So I was not prepared for the general perkiness of his fans–some were positively chirpy, and many would not have been born when he started with The Smiths 20 years ago (I’ve been reading up).

I’ve decided that one must approach Morrissey ironically. Not only does his work then become very funny (I happen to think “Girlfriend in a Coma” is hilarious), it is certain to annoy the hell out of him, because I am sure Morrissey has no sense of humor whatsoever.

Exhibit A: He is a militant vegetarian, and inflicted upon his concert audience a song titled “Meat is Murder”:

It’s not “natural”, “normal” or kind

The flesh you so fancifully fry

The meat in your mouth

As you savour the flavour

Of MURDER

It’s a classic. He then told his audience that “All good people are vegetarians,” which received little pockets of applause amid an audience otherwise busy digesting the Swedish meatballs they had for dinner.

Exhibit B: By way of introduction to a new anti-English song he’s written, Morrissey mentioned how the UK had withstood 3 world wars… including Margaret Thatcher. The song itself berates the Tories, Labour, the Monarchy and Oliver Cromwell. Now which of these is not like the others? If you answered Oliver Cromwell, on account of him having been dead for 350 years, you are correct. Remind me to write a little ditty later lamenting the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648, whereby the Scheldt river was closed in order to please the Dutch, depopulating Antwerp and ruining trade there for centuries, until the blockade was lifted in the latter half of 19th century. Antwerp will be forever eclipsed by Amsterdam–now, Mr. Morrissey, why don’t you write about that? Here, let me start you off:

It’s not “rational”, “tolerant” or kind

The tulips you so greedily buy

The trade in your harbor

As you enjoy the ploy

Of the BLOCKADE

[Tue, Oct 29 2002 – 10:39] Charles Kenny (www) (email) So often reading a Stefan Blog you think “yes… but you’re still an idiot.” I mean that in the nicest way, of course.

Take today’s blog. Yes, Morrissey has to rate as one of the more annoying, self-righteous singers and songwriters in a very crowded field. Added to that is the fact he can’t sing or write songs. But Girlfriend in a Coma is *meant* to be funny –its irony. Not very clever irony, (so its a bit worrying you think its hilarious) but irony nonetheless. You have to think there’s also an element of humor in the lines “spit upon the name Oliver Cromwell/ and denounce this royal line that still salute him” given that OC’s main claim to fame is lopping the head off one of the very same royal line’s ancestors. So, yes, Stefan, Morrissey’s an annoying fuckwit, but you’re still an idiot.

PS, can you tell I’m bored at work…

[Tue, Oct 29 2002 – 12:04] ben (email) Charles:

With all due respect (you being partially English and all), wouldn’t you say that OC is a bit more famous for solidifying the intense loathing of the Irish for the English than he is removing Charles’ head?

[Tue, Oct 29 2002 – 13:02] Charles Kenny (www) (email) Nope. I’d bet knowledge of the horrible things he did in Ireland is largely limited to (most) Irish and (some) Irish Americans. That he chopped a king’s head off (yes, alright, not personally) is known to millions of mushy historical novel readers, anyone who studied English history, your average polisci major, anyone who lives on Cromwell Rd (and more people live on Cromwell Rd in the UK than on any other Rd apart from Victoria Rd), anyone who’s studied English as a foreign language (“punctuate the phrase ‘king charles walked and talked for half an hour after his head was chopped off'”) and probably loads of others.

[Tue, Oct 29 2002 – 13:06] Matthew (www) (email) also, which royal line still salutes OC? there was little OC (richard, i think) who almost suceeded him for a minute and a half, but i remember the dim and distant past of english II, all the remnants of oc’s rule were pretty much dismantled, by, oh, 1665 or so.

back to the orignal topic, although this might seem inconsistent: favorite smiths line is, “if a ten-ton truck, killed the both of us, to die by your side, would be a heavenly place to die.”

[Tue, Oct 29 2002 – 14:37] Charles Kenny (www) (email) Are you sure you’re not confusing little OC named Richard with Little Richard? (as in “You gotta jump back, jump back, heeby jeebies,/Gotta get back, get back, heeby jeebies,/Gotta jump back, jump back, heeby jeebies,/Gotta get back, get back, heeby jeebies,/Gotta jump back, jump back, heeby jeebies.” They don’t write lyrics like that any more).

[Tue, Oct 29 2002 – 18:10] Matthew (www) (email) oh, i don’t know. this is pretty good, too. look at that lovely coupling of “here” with “yeah.” poetic mastery:

Oh baby, baby

How was I supposed to know

That something wasn’t right here

Oh baby, baby

I shouldn’t have let you go

And now you’re out of sight, yeah

[Wed, Oct 30 2002 – 04:00] eurof (email) “I’d like to mash a grapefruit in your hair” is my own frave-rit morrissey lyric.

Not to put the boot in when you’re already down and cupping your goolies, Stefan, but Charles is right and you are King Idiot. Somoeone should come and lop your head off, you have so completely missed the point. I bet you thought you were dead suave and cool, thinking, “I’m going to like totally take Morrissey NOT seriously, and show everyone how clever and witty I am, oh such a wit and raconteur with my cutting post-modern meta-criticism of crypto-pseudo-popular culture.”

You loser. That’s the most embarrassing post i’ve seen you put up. Everyone who spend their teens trying to score with girls instead of cowering in a darkened room with a ZX81 knows Morrisey is self-consciously ironic. He used to prance around the stage with a potted plant down the back of his low-slung levis. He was extremely weird and wimpy but non-violently rebellious and cool.

[Wed, Oct 30 2002 – 05:19] Jezza I think that OC’s kiddy was was called ‘Tumbledown Dick’ , ask me why and I’ll spit in your eye (my fave Morrissey lyric).

[Wed, Oct 30 2002 – 07:32] Stefan (email) So he wants me to eat meat? So as an Irishman, he wants me to like Oliver Cromwell?

[Wed, Oct 30 2002 – 09:37] Matthew (www) (email) thought for the day, courtesy of c. hitchens: “The test of any serious person is his or her ability to handle contradictions, and to recognise them in himself or herself as well as in others, and then to confront them honestly.”

[Wed, Oct 30 2002 – 11:26] eurof (email) No, Stefan, he’d prefer you didn’t eat meat, and I don’t think he likes Ollie C either. But I don’t think he cares what you think. He’s just cool, OK?

And Matthew, you just luuurve Christopher Hitchens, don’t you? Bet you want to kiss his nicotine-stained, boozy, unshaven blubbery lips. Just because old Hitch says it, it must be true. When I wrote things like “Consistency is the hobgoblin of the small minded” in a recent blog response, (not pretending it was original, mind you), I get pooh-poohed, told I’m pointlessly frivolous. When Hitchy-darling writes something essentially the same, oh look: suddenly it’s “Thought for the Day”!!

When entering Matthew Zone, clearly you must abandon all independent, critical thought.

At least no-one can accuse you of consistency.

[Wed, Oct 30 2002 – 13:32] Charles Kenny (www) (email) But was Matthew’s use of a Hitchens quotation to make his point itself somewhat ironic? Or am I being ironic in asserting that might be the case? This last depends, somewhat, on the stayability-over status of Matty and Kim’s apartment which I seem to remember is open plan thus limited. Assuming I can’t mooch a bed off them when, potentially, Pamlea and I come up the weekend of the 16th, I was being ironic. Unless I’m wrong in which case I wasn’t being ironic and I think you are wrong, Eurof (unless that damages my chances of mooching a bed off you a couple of weekends later, in which case you are both right).

[Wed, Oct 30 2002 – 13:34] Charles Kenny (www) (email) PS, steffi, nothing personal regarding missing you by a couple of days, would be great to see you, but my parents are in DC the week before…

[Wed, Oct 30 2002 – 16:37] Matthew (www) (email) 1. if you’re asking to stay–it’s not clear–yes, welcome, of course. can rig up a floor/cushion situation, if that pleases. i don’t think i was being ironic, but i also don’t think i meant what eurof said i did, and don’t know if either of those two thoughts should factor into whether the floor/cushion situation is appropriate, or not.

2. eurof, you need to cut back on the nescafe.

[Thu, Oct 31 2002 – 11:13] eurof (email) oooh, Matthew, perhaps you could put up more of your favourite Hitchens quotations. I have a song for you:

Hitch and Matthew in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love,

Then comes marriage

Then pompous literary twaddle and pointless verbiage

[Thu, Oct 31 2002 – 22:04] Matthew (email) spakka