It’s Friday after work in Kungsholmen, and once again I find myself standing in line to take the numbered ticket that saves a spot in the queue for the right to buy booze from the state alcohol dispensing monopoly, SystembolagetPreviously blogged here and here..

The only reason this situation is not outwardly ridiculous is because the numbered ticket obviates the need to stand in an actual, physical alcohol dispensing line, which would just look Soviet and sadWhy didn’t the Russians ever use numbered ticket dispensers in their times of scarcity (which were plentiful)? They certainly weren’t using it in 1993, when I lived in Moskva. I suspect it is because had there been such a system, it would just have created a black market in numbered tickets, where, interestingly, the price would go up as the time to execution diminished, but would then crash if there were no takers by the time the number was called.. Fifteen minutes separate my entering the shop from being called to a counter to declare the particulars of my alcohol dependency. That’s plenty of time to ruminate, as was no doubt the intention, on whether I really should be drinking (and I must, it’s my money). Instead, what actually happens is that I get to seethe silently at the fact that the nearest specialist shop with a proper selection of real (Belgian) beer and more than a smattering of good cheap South African wines is probably in Estonia, where queues are considered a problem, not a solution.

As it is, the 15-minute wait for my turn leaves plenty of time to peruse the glass cabinets, where alcohol is exhibited like exotic insects, tagged with ID number, defining characteristics and native habitat (by way of a flag). I’ve tried to take advantage of this objective approach to displaying merchandise by making my own scientific investigations, and can now announce with some certainty a startling fact about red wine in general:

Cheap to mid-range red wines with sans serif labels have a much higher quality to price ratio, on average.

First, some evidence:

For only one krona above the default SEK 69 price ($9), Albak de Elviwines 2003 (nr 99564) is a delicious Spanish wine that leaves a far more complex aftertaste than its price promises. And South Africa’s Man Vintners has some lovely pinotages (nr 16016, nr 99408). Compared to these, most of the the serifed wines just taste flat and unadventurous.

Therein lies the secret as to why you really can judge wine by its label: Companies where the management has an atrocious taste in labels tend to be the old-school type, uncertain about innovation, parochial about marketing and under the impression that serifs imply prestige. Anyone relying on serifs to get a leg up in the wine stakes is suspect, methinks. A surfeit of colors or an overly florid arrangement of castles and gold leaf also bodes ill for the wine, much like a painter who prefers his works in elaborate gilded frames. Instead, extensive testing confirms that a sans serif font and white space on a wine label constitute a secret sign, a wink by the vintner that their approach to winemaking matches your approach to typography and graphic design. Use this knowledge as a shortcut to good wine.