You're all wrong

The first comprehensive study of this blog has been conducted by Matthew Rose. Here are the findings:

You wondered once why some of your posts get more comments than others. I was bored, browsing through your library, and have some theories about the circumstances under which most replies happen:

— Anything Eurof responds to; because it’s important to always disagree with him

— Anything Kenny responds to; bc he’s always thoughtful

— Anything Felix doesn’t respond to; bc no-one can ever figure out what he’s getting at

— Anything about girls or sex

— Nothing about real political issues of substance.

With this in mind, I will now endeavor to post a blog that will elicit no comments whatsoever: It’s about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.


Dad in front of the Church of the Nativity with our armored Jeep


The parents in Bethlehem’s market street


Al Aqsa paraphernalia and repaired bullet holes

I’ve refrained from blogging my impressions about my stay here in Israel until now, not just because it is so terribly difficult to be nuanced in this place, but also because until today major pieces of the puzzle were still missing for me. I’ve had a great time in Israel proper, zooming up and down 8-lane highways, hiking through Roman ruins, sitting on the beach or going out in Tel Aviv. The quality of life in Israel is very high; Tel Aviv proper is a slice of New York transported wholesale to the Mediterranean. But I hadn’t yet seen the other side of this equation–the West Bank, and Palestinian town life. Today (Sunday) we drove to Bethlehem, and then further south on some backroads to Hebron before looping back into Israel proper.

It’s a blog, so I will limit myself to vignettes of things that struck me–metaphorically, of course.

— Wimps: American supporters of Israel who are loath to travel here are total wimps. They are not just playing into the hands of terrorists (along the lines of, “If I don’t go to Israel then the terrorists have already won”), they are exacerbating a serious recession brought on in part by a collapsed tourism industry. Above all, they are terribly bad at calculating the chances of getting blown up by a suicide bomber. As always, the situation on the ground is a lot different from the bad-news focus of television. Israelis are very stoic about not crimping their style–restaurants and bars in Tel Aviv are full, albeit with guards at the entrance; and perhaps there is a preference for places that are somewhat more recessed from the outside. But the Tel Aviv Love Parade was in full swing last night, the beaches are full, and weekends are spent driving off to BBQs in the hills.

— Eyewitnesses: I met Itay and Ephrat’s dad, Eli, for Lunch in Jaffa last week. We drove through Tel Aviv to get there, and on the way he pointed out to me several places where suicide bombers had struck. A cafe on the main street, a disco on the beach… a dozen people died here, two dozen people there… Today, in Bethlehem, a teenager saw us looking at a poster on a shop door; he explained in English it commemorated a mother and daughter that had been shot there by the IDF during the siege; he was also vocal about this weekend’s latest killing of 11 Palestinians, the majority of them clearly civilians.

— Space: Both Israel and the West Bank are a lot emptier than I expected. There is a lot of room in both places for accommodating their respective population booms without a need for land grabs. Unless, of course, the settlements are not a result of population pressure, but borne of a deliberate policy to change the facts on the ground. Most shocking is the sheer physicality of a settlement. They are often shiny and new, snug on a hilltop with a big Israeli flag fluttering above, with protective fencing all around. The Palestinians, meanwhile, are immobile in their valleys, blocked by Israeli checkpoints. Most of these settlements were expanded or even started in the past decade, despite Oslo, and this is the main evidence Palestinians point to in their case that Israelis will never allow anything more than a rump Palestinian state. It is the one question that I have never seen answered to my satisfaction; pointing out that Palestinians have never had a state anyway, as someone did, is not an answer–Jews did not have a state until 1948 either, and no, states that existed 2000 years ago don’t cut it. If they count, Israel should be part of Egypt, because the Pharaohs were here first.

— “Martyrs”: In Bethlehem, many of the closed metal shop stalls sport posters, often bleached by the sun and half-scratched off, of men posing with big automatic weapons, superimposed over the Dome of the Rock. Our self-appointed guide pointed to them and called them martyrs. They were indeed Al Aqsa brigade members who had been killed by the IDF during the siege of the Nativity Church. But it was never clear to me whether our teenaged guide was able to, or particularly cared about making the distinction between having an old-fashioned fight with the other side’s army on the one hand and bombing civilians on the other.

— Girls: Secular Israeli girls are incredibly hot. I had suspected as much last time I was here, but that was winter, this is summer. Dress code is almost always a barely-there halter top with plenty of room for belly-buttonage, and low hung skin-tight pants. Put them in uniform and give them a gun, and the effect is magnified. I just had dinner with Neil, Marc Young’s roommate at SAIS and colleague of John Sinclair, and we both agreed that if we ever lured Marc here, he’d be shacked up with a pretty kibbbutz girl before you can say mazel tov. I suspect Palestinian girls are pretty too; but they and their Orthodox Jewish counterparts have a knack for fishing the ugly stuff out of the bargain bin, and then wearing far too much of it.

More to follow, I’m sure…

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Mostly Moses


 

Last weekend the parents and I drove to the Sinai peninsula to root around St. Catherine’s Monastery, at the base of Mount Sinai, where Moses first foisted a jealous god on his tribe, one that took it personally if you snuck in a little devotion to Baal on the side.

Getting there was like driving at high speed through the set of Star Wars, with camels that make Wookie noises and Bedouins as extras. But the one word that crops up again and again to describe the landscape is “biblical”. Coincidence, or…?

Dad and I climbed up to the top of Mount Sinai at night under the recent full moon, and saw the sunrise from the summit. We were not alone–about 500 pilgrims and tourists had the same bright idea, and at the top there was plenty of un-Judeo-Christian-Muslim jostling for prime viewing spots. But at least Moses is one thing all three major religions can agree on. Pity, then, that archeologists think if he ever did climb a mountain it was not anywhere near this one. But I am of little faith.

The monastery is something else. It houses perhaps the most impressive collection of Byzantine icons and manuscripts in the world, the result of an uninterrupted occupation by Greek Orthodox monks since the monastery was founded in 527 AD by Roman emperor Justinian. Last year, the monastery decided to open up a couple of rooms to the public, and instantly created one of the best small museums in the world. The Metropolitan Museum gladly did the curating.

I was allowed to see the library. One monk is in the process of digitally photographing every manuscript it owns, using ultra-high end equipment. It’s all controlled by a G4 Apple Mac. Hallelujah.

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Apocalypse Nöw

I’m always happy when surströmming articles happen. There is a new one in today’s Wall Street Journal, though I am very disappointed with its complete failure to accurately convey the true horror that eating surströmming entails. Or watching someone eat it. Or being anywhere near an open can. People have been known to spontaneously projectile vomit at the sight of one of the bloated cans squirting out its disgusting brine and stench as it is opened.

I wish I had my scanner here so I could scan proof of my own surströmming horror tale. It began innocently enough when Joachim and I were shopping for food to take on his boat a few days before his wedding in Stockholm in 2000. I expressed an interest in surströmming so Joachim said he’d buy some if I promised to try it. I said yes, stupidly, and this moment of weakness was seized upon by him and John Uppington with glee. They bought a can then and there.

Later, when we moored the boat on an uninhabited island in the Stockholm archipelago, downwind from the city, it was time to open the can. Joachim had boiled some potatoes, added some sour cream, gave me the can opener and a can that had already doubled in size from the gases that had been escaping from the fermenting dead fish inside. Then they fled. They watched from upwind as I began to open the can. Horror! It exploded as I punctured it, with milky-white goo getting on my hands and clothes. But that was nothing compared to the stench; the assault on the senses was physical, like being hit by a bus. I recoiled instinctively before I was able to force myself to confront the surströmming with the intent of eating it.

I don’t remember the rest. My mind must have blacked out the experience. But according to Joachim and John, I did eat some bits of the surströmming. I still get flashes of memory of one particular fish’s bloated translucent bladder wiggling in a Swedish late summer sunset.

Other tales of horror.

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No wonder this rat is leaving the ship

It’s a favorite conceit of mine that wherever I happen to live is the absolute coolest place in the world. For the past 6 years this place has been the East Village in New York City, or more precisely, the block of St. Marks Place between Avenue A and B [er, 1st Ave.–Ed.]. My block has everything you need for full-bore living–from Irish pub to Moroccan cafe to Italian restaurant to Korean sushi to experimental theatre to vegan bakery (ugh)…

So how does one move from such a place with the conviction that whatever is next will be the new coolest? You depend on Mayor Bloomberg. He’s decided he’s going to turn New York City into a Californian health spa, by pushing for a total ban on smoking in all bars and restaurants. He’s been on something of a roll recently–raising cigarette prices to about $7.50, which has led to a 50% drop in cigarette sales, down to 16 million packs a month. That’s not a 50% drop in consumption, though; most people now buy cigarettes in New Jersey or upstate New York, or on Indian reserves.

I don’t smoke, of course. But St. Dymphnas without smoke is like alcohol-free beer. Cafe Pick-Me-Up without overflowing ashtrays is like rap without swearing. What’s the point?

A week from now, I’ll be on my way to Israel, there to visit friends and family, then a week or 2 in the Mediterranean before ending up in Stockholm September 18. They smoke there. Cool.

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Suba rue

I wanted to reserve a table for 8 for tonight at Suba. They wanted my phone number. Then they wanted my email. Why? To send me a form to fax back:

Suba’s Cancellation Policy:

A credit card is needed to guarantee your reservation.

You may cancel without charge up to 2 p.m. on the date of the reservation. If you do not cancel by 2 p.m. on the date of the reservation and/or are less than the reserved number by three or more people you will be charged $25 per missing person. Reservations must be honored within 30 min. of the reserved time, or you will be considered a “no show”.

Please fax back this form to 212-982-3034

with a photocopy of both sides of your credit card.

What’s next? $10 penalties if you don’t finish your plate? An inspection of the toilet after your visit? A dungeon for bad tippers?

And who still faxes these days?

Transforming the East Village

Sometimes I wonder… Usually, playing word association with the words “transformer” and “East Village” leads directly to Lou Reed’s classic album and that East Village anthem (for me), Perfect Day. Today, it’s a transformer fire on 13th and D. As you can see, the view from my roof is never dull. I was at my computer when my air conditioner suddenly sounded like it went into overdrive. Instead, it was a whole power plant that had gone berserk, just a bit further away.